Lately I scatter

I’m so scattered these days. My thoughts take off like a startled flock of birds and then fly back and forth in aimless directions like small buzzing insects.

Such erratic flight. I sit at my work station and try to focus on something, anything, but instead, I shuffle my papers, I check my home e-mail, I surf something on the web. I’ll answer a work e-mail, and possibly move something forward on the discussion paper I’m writing or program proposal – but I’m not particularly busy at the moment.

I kind of think if I’m going to waste time, at least I should be productive! Thus, work on a personal project during the times at work that I can’t write. But generally, I can’t do that either. I’m just not concentrating.

During Christmas holidays, this was what I criticized my mother for. Morning to night, she was busy in activity: weeding in the garden, digging a hole for something, vacuuming up the endless amount of hair from my brother’s dog (enough to build a small dog if we wanted to). Slow down, I’d think. You exhaust me just looking at you. But here I am. I am my mother’s son. Pin me down until I’m still.

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